Balderdash - Love your country

“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”

Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Love your country

Verities & Balderdash

By Bob Robinson

I made a commitment not to bring “partisan” politics into my weekly V&B… but I made no promises not to hammer our illustrious leaders and bureaucrats (bipartisan, of course). Some of this stuff is just too good to pass up.

For instance…

Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said, "Someone may steal from it at night."

So they created a night watchman position and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, "How does the watchman do his job without instruction?" So they created a planning department and hired two people, one person to write the instructions, and one person to do time studies.

Then Congress said, "How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?" So they created a Quality Control department and hired two people. One to do the studies and one to write the reports.

Then Congress said, "How are these people going to get paid?" So they created the following positions: a timekeeper, and a payroll officer, then hired two people to fill those positions.

Then Congress said, "Who will be accountable for all of these people?" So they created an administrative section and hired three people: an Administrative Officer, Assistant Administrative Officer, and a Legal Secretary.

Then Congress said, "We have had this program in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cut back overall cost."

So they laid off the night watchman.

Think that’s just a joke? I haven’t done the research to verify the following numbers, but since this is a V&B I’m going to go out on a limb and say they’re close enough for government work.

Pun intended.

Ever heard of the Department of Energy? It was formed in 1977 during the Carter administration. Its purpose? To lessen our dependence on foreign oil.

Thirty-three years later we are spending $24.2 billion a year on this agency. It has 16,000 federal employees and 100,000 private contractors…

To lessen our dependence on foreign oil.

It’s done a tremendous job, too. We were 30 percent dependent on foreign oil in 1979. Today, we are 70 percent dependent on foreign oil.

Great job, guys! Our government at work.

Now that we’ve talked about government efficiency, let’s talk a little about the efficiency of private business.

Americans spend $36,000,000 (that’s $36 million) at Wal-Mart stores every hour of every day. This works out to nearly $21,000 (in profit) every minute! Earth’s population is 6.5 billion… this year there will be an anticipated 7.2 billion purchasing transactions at Wal-Mart stores.

The company will sell more from January 1 to St. Patrick's Day (March 17th) than its largest competitor sells all year. It’s bigger than six of America’s major retailers combined, and is considered the biggest company in the history of the world. It has 3,900 stores and 1.6 million employees.

By contrast the government oversees the U.S. Postal Service, Fannie Mae and Freddie Mac. Social Security, Medicare and Medicaid are all run by the government. Then, of course, there is the Department of Energy and a few thousand other government agencies.

Can you find one… just one… that operates efficiently? I can’t.

If it weren’t for the bottomless pit of the taxpayer pocketbook, they’d all be bankrupt. And now our leaders want to run our health care, the banking industry, Wall Street and much of our auto manufacturing industry?

I have a better idea.

Let’s hire the guys who run Wal-Mart.

Finally, we can head to Texas where people have little patience for political oratory. A local politician is asking his constituents to send him to Washington as a U.S. Representative…

In his three-piece suit, he is a little uncomfortable with the small group of cowboys, just in from the range, standing around listening. To make matters worse, flies kept buzzing around his head.

He swatted at them several times.

One cowboy finally says, "Y'all havin' some problem with them circle flies?"

The politician stopped talking and said, "Well, yes, if that's what they're called, but I've never heard of circle flies."

"Well, sir," the cowboy replies, "Circle flies hang around ranches. They're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the back end of a horse."

"Oh," the politician replies as he goes back to rambling. But a moment later he stops and bluntly asks, "Are you calling me a horse's ass?" 

"No, sir," the cowboy replies, "I have too much respect for the citizens of this country to call one of their public servants a horse's rear."

"That's a good thing," the politician responds and begins rambling on once more.

After a long pause, the cowboy, in his best Texas drawl says, "Hard to fool them flies, though.”

Love your country... fear your government

Remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.

See you next time.

Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive a daily notification of his comments, opinions and reports, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com. Feel free to express your views.