Saturday, August 21, 2010

Balderdash - Thoughts on a Slinky


“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Thoughts on a Slinky
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson

If you are like me, half of the emails you receive each day are from someone you know, sending to (undisclosed). They can be heart-warming, funny, even scary.
I got this from an email friend who, I imagine, finally got one too many! This is what he said…
I want to thank all of you for your educational emails over the past year. I am totally screwed up now and have little chance of recovery. 

I no longer open a bathroom door without using a paper towel, or have the waitress put lemon slices in my ice water without worrying about the bacteria on the lemon peel.
I can't use the remote in a hotel room because I don't know what the last person was doing while flipping through the adult movie channels. I can't sit down on the hotel bedspread because I can only imagine what has happened on it since it was last washed.
Eating a little snack sends me on a guilt trip because I can only imagine how many gallons of trans fats I have consumed over the years.
I can't touch any woman's purse for fear she has placed it on the floor of a public bathroom.
I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who is about to die for the 1,387,258th time. I no longer have any money, but that will change once I receive the $15,000
that Bill Gates/Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special email program.
I no longer worry about my soul because I have 363,214 angels looking out for me, and St. Theresa's Novena has granted my every wish.
I can't have a drink in a bar because I'll wake up in a bathtub full of ice with my kidneys gone. I can't eat at certain fast food restaurants because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes, feet or feathers.
I can't use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.
Thanks to all of you I have learned that my prayers only get answered if I forward an email to seven of my friends and make a wish within five minutes.
Because of your concern, I no longer drink colas because they can remove toilet stains.
I no longer use a certain food wrap in the microwave because it causes seven different types of cancer. And thanks for letting me know that I can't boil a cup of water in the microwave anymore because it will blow up in my face… disfiguring me for life.
I no longer go to the movies because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS when I sit down. I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.
And I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a number for which I will get a phone bill with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan. Or if I’m lucky, I’ll get someone to tell my future for $5,321.85 per minute.
Thanks to you I can't use anyone's toilet but mine because a big black snake could be lurking under the seat and cause me instant death when it bites my butt.
I no longer drive my car because buying gas from some companies supports Al Qaeda, and buying gas from others supports South American dictators.
I can't do any gardening because I'm afraid I'll get bitten by the Violin Spider and my hand will fall off.
If you don't send this e-mail to at least 144,000 people in the next 70 minutes, a large dove with diarrhea will land on your head at
5 p.m. tomorrow afternoon, and the fleas from 120
camels will infest your back, causing you to grow a hairy hump. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of my next door neighbor's ex-mother-in-law's second husband's cousin's best friend's beautician.
Oh, by the way… a German scientist from Argentina, after a lengthy study, has discovered that people with insufficient brain activity read their e-mail with their hand on the mouse.
Don't bother taking it off now, it's too late.
Parting thought… Some people are like Slinkies. They’re really good for nothing but they still bring a smile to your face when you push them down a flight of stairs.
Remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you next time.

Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive a daily notification of his comments, opinions and reports, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com. Feel free to express your views.

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