Vertity - Mother's Day

“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”

Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Mother’s Day

Verities & Balderdash

By Bob Robinson

In future V&Bs (that’s Verities & Balderdashes for those of you who don’t like acronyms) I will be giving you my version of a verity (truth) and/or my version of balderdash (nonsense).

Sunday is a special day. It is the one day out of the year when we honor our mothers. Like the days we choose to honor those who devote their lives for our country, we choose this day to honor those who give us life, and their life’s blood to prepare us for adulthood.

In both cases, I believe that honoring these unique and wonderful individuals should be a year-round project.

It is fitting that in my first newly revived V&B, I get to offer the verities of motherhood. I hope you enjoy. They are dedicated to my Mom, my sisters, my wife Susan, my late wife Jeanne and mother of my children… and all of the other caring mothers of the world.

You know you're a mother when...

You count the sprinkles on each kid's cupcake to make sure they're equal.

You have time to shave only one leg at a time.

You hide in the bathroom to be alone.

As you cling to the high moral ground on toy weapons; your child chews his toast into the shape of a gun.

You hope ketchup is a vegetable, since it's the only one your child eats.

You find yourself cutting your husband's sandwiches into cute shapes.

You hear your mother's voice when you say, "NOT in your good clothes!"

You stop criticizing the way your mother raised you.

You donate to charities in the hope that your child won't get that disease.

You hire a sitter because you haven't been out with your husband in ages, then spend half the night checking on the kids.

You use your own saliva to clean your child's face.

You say at least once a day, "I'm not cut out for this job," but you know you wouldn't trade it for anything."

Do you often wonder what mothers might have said to their famous children? I do. Take Honest Abe’s mother, for instance: "Again with the stovepipe hat, Abe? Can't you just wear a baseball cap like the other kids?"

Remember the nursery rhyme, Mary Had a Little Lamb? What might her mother have said about the situation?

“I'm not upset the your lamb followed you to school, Mary, but I would like to know how he got a better grade than you!"

Here are a few more that you might find enjoyable…

Goldilocks’ mother: 
"I've got a bill here for a busted chair from the bear family. You know anything about this Goldie?"

Albert Einstein’s mother: 
"But, Albert, it's your senior picture. Can't you do something about your hair? Styling gel, mousse, something...?"

George Washington’s mother: "The next time I catch you throwing money across the Potomac, you can kiss your allowance good-bye! Now. You’d better tell me about that cherry tree before your father comes home."

Jonah’s mother: "That's a nice story, Jonah, but now tell me where you've really been for the past 3 days!"

And finally...

Thomas Edison’s mother: "Of course I'm proud that you invented the electric light bulb, dear. Now turn off that light and get to bed!"

On a final note, do any of these sound familiar? They do to me.

Close that door! Were you raised in a barn?

I said CLOSE the door, I did not say SLAM it.

Call me when you get there, just so I know you're okay.

Don't talk with your mouth full!

A little soap & water never killed anybody.

Are your hands broken? Pick it up yourself! I'm not your maid!

Don't put that in your mouth, you don't know where it's been.

Don't ask me WHY. The answer is NO.

Go ask your father.

Go to your room and think about what you did!

If you don't stop crying, I am going to give you something to cry about!

If you're too full to finish your dinner, you're too full for dessert.

I'll treat you like an adult when you start acting like one.

So what if Dave's mom let him do it? If Dave's mom let him jump off the Empire State Building, would you want me to let you do it too?

You don't always get what you want. It's a hard lesson, but you might as well learn it now.

You'll understand when you're older.

And now, the one that rings most true…

You're the oldest. You should know better.

The trials and tribulations of motherhood. Bless you, Mom, and Happy Mother’s Day. I’ve given you cause for grief many times over the years. I hope I’ve also occasionally given you reason to be proud.

Until next time… remember, verities are for consideration; balderdash is for chuckles.

Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive his Verities & Balderdash comments by direct email, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com.