“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary
Life is tough
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
I was going to do a Verity this week, but in scrolling through the submissions I’d received over the months I found these. Balderdash rules… verities can wait another week or two. Let me know if you can get through this without a good laugh, or three or five.
The first set has special meaning for me since I’ve spent so much of my life in the journalism fields, and also attempt to teach college students the proper use of the English language. The task becomes more difficult when young people are exposed to headlines like these in their local papers…
“Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter” When it was brought to his attention, the “editor” still couldn’t figure out what was wrong.
“Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says” Really? Ya think?
“Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers” Now that's taking things a bit far!
“Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over” What a guy!
“Miners Refuse to Work after Death” Those no-good-for-nothing' lazy so-and-so's!
“Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant” See if that works any better than a trial by jury!
“War Dims Hope for Peace” I can see where it might have that effect!
“If Strike Isn't Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile” No kidding?
“Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures” Who would have thought?
“Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide” They may be on to something!
“Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges” You mean there's something stronger than duct tape?
“New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group” Weren't they fat enough?
“Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft” That's what he gets for eating those beans!
“Kids Make Nutritious Snacks” Do they taste like chicken?
“Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half” Another no-tolerance policy?
“Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors” Boy, are they tall!
And the kicker...
“Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead” Did I read that right?
Unfortunately stupidity is not limited to members of the communications field. These next offerings are so bad I find them hard to believe. But what the heck, they’re still good for a grin.
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car.
“Do you need some help?” I asked. She replied, “I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door unlocker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?”
”Hmmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?” I asked. “No, just this remote thingy,” she answered, handing it and the car keys to me.
As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, “Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk.”
Several years ago, we had an intern who was none too swift. One day he was typing and turned to a secretary and said, “I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?”
“Just use paper from the photocopier,” the secretary told him.
With that, the intern took his last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies.
A worried mother calls 911 asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room; the kid had eaten ants. (This sounds familiar.) The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine. The mother says, “I just gave him some ant killer...”
“Rush him to emergency!”
Yep. I thought so. This woman is either twins or we’re in deep trouble.
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her floppy drive and pulling it out very quickly. Increasingly upset, she did it several times. When she was asked what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM 'thingy.'
Okay. That’s enough. I can’t handle any more… some of these people even vote!
Life is tough. It's even tougher when you're stupid!!!
Until next time, remember, verities are thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you next time.
Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive his Verities & Balderdash comments by direct email, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com.
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