Balderdash - Male vs Female

“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”

Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Male vs Female

Verities & Balderdash

By Bob Robinson

Welcome to the Balderdash offering of my revived V&Bs. Except for occasional editing changes and opinion inserts, these are not my creations but rather email “clutter” that has been sent to me in the past… and some of them are just too funny not to share.

In keeping with the time-honored tradition of bashing huge segments of my readership, this offering will be a recent change in a bank’s instructions for using its drive-up ATM machines. Ladies, before you rush out to buy the tar and feathers for my unscheduled trip out of town, please remember that I’m not “endorsing,” just “reporting.”

With a few modifications, it works for men, too.

The sign in the bank lobby reads as follows: “Please note that this Bank is installing new drive-through ATM machines enabling customers to withdraw cash without leaving their vehicles. Customers using this new facility are requested to use the procedures outlined below when accessing their accounts. After months of careful research, ‘Male and Female’ procedures have been developed.

“Please follow the appropriate steps for your gender.”

Male procedure: 
1. Drive up to the cash machine. 2. Put down your car window. 3. Insert card into machine and enter PIN. 4. Enter amount of cash required and withdraw. 5. Retrieve card, cash and receipt. 6. Put window up. 7. Drive off.

Female procedure: 1. Drive up to cash machine. 2. Reverse and back up the required amount to align car window with the machine. 3. Set parking brake, put the window down. 4. Find handbag, remove all contents onto passenger seat to locate card. 5. Tell person on cell phone you will call them back and hang up. 6. Attempt to insert card into machine. 7. Open car door to allow easier access to machine due to its excessive distance from the car. 8. Insert card. 9. Re-insert card the right way.

There’s more…

10. Dig through handbag to find diary with your PIN written on the inside back page. 11. Enter PIN. 12. Press cancel and re-enter correct PIN. 13. Enter amount of cash required. 14. Check makeup in rear view mirror. 15. Retrieve cash and receipt. 16. Empty handbag again to locate wallet and place cash inside. 17. Write debit amount in cheque register and place receipt in back of chequebook. 18. Re-check makeup.

And, finally…

19. Drive forward 2 feet. 20. Reverse back to cash machine. 21. Retrieve card. 22. Re-empty handbag, locate cardholder, and place card into the slot provided. 23. Give dirty look to irate driver waiting behind you. 24. Restart stalled engine and pull off. 25. Redial person on cell phone. 26. Drive for 2 to 3 miles. 27. Release Parking Brake.

Now it’s our turn… some guys can say the dumbest things:

"I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body." Winston Bennett, University of Kentucky basketball forward.

"Outside of the killings, Washington has one of the lowest crime rates in the country." Mayor Marion Barry, Washington, DC.

"That lowdown scoundrel deserves to be kicked to death by a jackass, and I'm just the one to do it." A congressional candidate in Texas.

"Half this game is ninety percent mental." Philadelphia Phillies manager, Danny Ozark.

"It isn't pollution that's harming the environment. It's the impurities in our air and water that are doing it." Al Gore, Vice President.

"I love California. I practically grew up in Phoenix." Dan Quayle, Vice President.

“&(*^@#$%@*.” Joe Biden, Vice President.

"We've got to pause and ask ourselves: How much clean air do we need?" Lee Iacocca.

"The word ‘genius’ isn't applicable in football. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein." Joe Theisman, NFL football quarterback & sports analyst.

"We don't necessarily discriminate. We simply exclude certain types of people." Colonel Gerald Wellman, ROTC Instructor.

"Your food stamps will be stopped effective March 1992 because we received notice that you passed away. May God bless you. You may reapply if there is a change in your circumstances." Male manager, Department of Social Services, Greenville, South Carolina.

"Traditionally, most of Australia 's imports come from overseas." Keppel Enderbery.

"If somebody has a bad heart, they can plug this jack in at night as they go to bed and it will monitor their heart throughout the night. And the next morning, when they wake up dead, there'll be a record." Mark S. Fowler, FCC Chairman.

Until next time, remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.

See you next time.