“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary
Are you a redneck?
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
I’m a redneck because I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the following…
One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut.
After the cut, he asked about his bill, and the barber replied, 'I
cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.'
The
florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a
'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.
Later, a cop comes in for a haircut, and when he tries to pay his bill,
the barber again replies, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing
community service this week.'
The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank
you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.
Then a Congressman came in for a haircut, and when he went to pay his
bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing
community service this week.'
The Congressman was very happy and left the
shop.
The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen
Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.
I’m a redneck because I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at the following…
In the year 2009, the Lord came unto Noah, who was now living in Australia, and said: ‘Once again, the earth has become wicked and over-populated, and I see the end of all flash before me.
‘Build another Ark and save two of every living thing along with a few good humans.’
He gave Noah the blueprints, saying: ‘You have six months to build the Ark before I will start the unending rain for 40 days and 40 nights.’
Six months later, the Lord looked down and saw Noah weeping in his yard - but no Ark.
‘Noah!’ He roared, ‘I'm about to start the rain! Where is the Ark?’
‘Forgive me, Lord,’ begged Noah, 'but things have changed.
‘I needed a building permit.
‘I've been arguing with the inspector about the need for a sprinkler system.
‘My neighbors claim that I've violated the neighborhood zoning laws by building the Ark in my yard and exceeding the height limitations.
‘We had to go to the Development Appeal Board for a decision.
‘Then the Department of Transportation demanded a bond be posted for the future costs of moving power lines and other overhead obstructions, to clear the passage for the Ark's move to the sea. I told them that the sea would be coming to us, but they would hear nothing of it.
‘Getting the wood was another problem. There's a ban on cutting local trees in order to save the spotted owl.
‘I tried to convince the environmentalists that I needed the wood to save the owls - but no go!
‘When I started gathering the animals, an animal rights group sued me. They insisted that I was confining wild animals against their will. They argued the accommodations were too restrictive, and it was cruel and inhumane to put so many animals in a confined space.
‘Then the EPA ruled that I couldn't build the Ark until they'd conducted an environmental impact study on your proposed flood.
‘I'm still trying to resolve a complaint with the Human Rights Commission on how many minorities I'm supposed to hire for my building crew.
‘Immigration and Naturalization are checking the status of most of the people who want to work.
‘The trades unions say I can't use my sons. They insist I have to hire only Union workers with Ark-building experience.
‘To make matters worse, the Tax Office seized all my assets, claiming I'm trying to leave the country illegally with endangered species.
‘So, forgive me, Lord, but it would take at least 10 years for me to finish this Ark.’
Suddenly the skies cleared, the sun began to shine, and a rainbow stretched across the sky.
Noah looked up in wonder and asked,
'You mean you're not going to destroy the world?'
'No,' said the Lord. 'The government beat me to it.’
So are you a redneck? If I had to stand before a dozen terrorists who threaten my life, I'd choose a half dozen or so rednecks to back me up. Tire irons, squirrel guns and grit… that's what rednecks are made of.
Here are a couple more indications of whether or not you are a redneck…
You might be a redneck if it never occurred to you to be offended by the phrase, 'One nation, under God.'
You might be a redneck if you've never protested about seeing the 10 Commandments posted in public places.
You might be a redneck if you still say 'Christmas' instead of 'Winter Festival.'
You might be a redneck if you bow your head when someone prays.
You might be a redneck if you stand and place your hand over your heart when they play the National Anthem.
You might be a redneck if you treat our armed forces veterans with great respect, and always have.
You might be a redneck if you've never burned an American flag, nor intend to.
You might be a redneck if you respect your elders and raised your kids to do the same.
You might be a redneck if you'd give your last dollar to a friend.
I don’t know whether to laugh or cry at most of our political shenanigans… but I’ll take a half dozen rednecks (most of whom already serve us in the military) over a half dozen bureaucrats or politicians any day of the week.
Guess that makes me a redneck.
Remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you next time.
Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive a daily notification of his comments, opinions and reports, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com. Feel free to express your views.
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