Saturday, June 5, 2010

Balderdash - Three Little Idiocies

“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary

Three little idiocies
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson

Dearest Cracker Son,
I'm writing this slow because I know you can't read fast. We don't live where we did when you left home. Someone told your dad that most accidents happen within 20 miles of your home, so we moved.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so they wouldn't have to change their address.
This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure about it. I put clothes in and pulled the chain. We haven't seen them since. 
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice last week, the first time for three days and the second time for four days. 
About that winter coat you wanted me to send up north; your Uncle Billy Bob said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in the pockets. 
Bubba locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out. 
Your sister had a baby this morning, but I haven't found out what it is yet so I don't know if you are a aunt or uncle. 
Uncle Bobby Ray fell into a whiskey vat last week. Some men tried to pull him out but he fought them off and drowned. We had him cremated; he burned for three days.
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pickup truck. Butch was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down!
There isn't much news at this time. Nothing much out of the normal has happened. 
Your Favorite Aunt, 
P.S.  I was gonna send you some money but I already sealed the envelope.
Sorry about that folks… I just couldn’t resist. When I saw the letter, I was reminded of one that floated around when I was at A&M. No… I don’t still have it. Even if I did, the language in it would not be suitable for this column.
Actually, the following may not be suitable either. If you are sensitive to political correctness… please skip down to the next line after “My buddy told me” so I don’t offend you.
This morning a friend of mine went to sign his dogs up for welfare. The lady said, "Dogs are not eligible for welfare." So he explained to her that the dogs are mixed in color, unemployed, lazy, can't speak English and have no clue who their daddies are.
They expect him to feed them, provide them with housing and medical care, and feel guilty because they are dogs. She looked in her policy book to see what it takes to qualify.
My buddy told me today that his dogs get their first checks Friday. Is this a great country or what?
I will always have a soft spot in my heart for the Lone Star State, and I think I’ve made it pretty clear that I have no love lost for the Golden State. The following explains why…
The governors of two states are jogging with their dogs along a trail. A coyote jumps out and attacks the dog.
1. Governor starts to intervene and then realizes he should stop; the coyote is doing what is natural.
2. Call animal control. Animal control captures coyote and spends $200 testing it for diseases and $500 relocating it.
3. Call Vet. Veterinarian collects dead dog and spends $200 testing it for diseases.
4. Governor goes to hospital and spends $3500 getting checked for diseases from the coyote and getting bite wound bandaged.
5. Running trail gets shut down for six months while wildlife services conducts a $100,000 survey to make sure the area is clear of dangerous animals.
6. Governor starts a $50,000 coyote awareness program for people who live in the area.
7. State legislature spends $2 million investigating how to eradicate rabies.
8. California EPA investigates and discovers this particular breed is endangered and immediately shuts down all development, costing millions of dollars in lost investments and new tax revenues.
9. Governor’s security agent fired for not stopping the attack and letting the Governor try to intervene. Cost: $75,000 to train new security agent.
10. PETA protests the relocation of the coyote.
1. Governor spends $1.23 on a .380 ACP Gold Dot Hollow Point and he and the dog keep jogging.
And we wonder why California is broke?
Until next time, remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you then.

Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive his Verities & Balderdash comments by direct email, send your email address to: Feel free to express your views or note a few of your own V&Bs.

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