“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
A few weeks ago, my lead balderdash was kind of tough on the ladies. I heard about it. Good natured, of course, but I got the message. So I figured I should give the other half their due. If you’ve ever thought of dumping your lady for a new model, you’d better think again…
Veronica spent the first day of her new-found freedom packing her belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, she had the movers come and collect her things. On the third day, she sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining room table, put on some soft background music and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar and a bottle of spring water. When she had finished, she went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimp shells dipped in caviar into the hollow of the curtain rods. She then cleaned up the kitchen and left.
When the husband returned with his new girlfriend, all was bliss for the first few days. Then slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping and airing the place out. Vents were checked for dead rodents and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit.
Finally, they could not take the stench any longer and decided to move. A month later, even though they had cut their price in half, they could not find a buyer for their stinky house. Word got out and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place.
The ex-wife called the man and asked how things were going. He told her the saga of the rotting house. She listened politely and said that she missed her old home terribly and would be willing to reduce her divorce settlement in exchange for getting the house back.
Knowing his ex-wife had no idea how bad the smell was, he agreed on a price that was about 1/10th of what the house had been worth, but only if she were to sign the papers that very day. She agreed and within the hour his lawyers delivered the paperwork. A week later the man and his girlfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home. And to spite the ex-wife, they even took the curtain rods!
Anyone not familiar with Maxine? She’s fantastic. But did you also know she has a counterpart? If you didn’t, it’s time you meet him. His name is Marvin and he’s pleased to answer the following questions on behalf of all members of the male sex…
Q. How many men does it take to open a beer? A. None. It should be open when she brings it.
Q. Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? A. Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.
Q. Why do women have smaller feet than men? A. It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
Q. How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? A. When she starts a sentence with 'A man once told me....'
Q. How do you fix a woman's watch? A. You don't. There is a clock on the oven.
Q. If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? A. The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.
Q. Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. A. Yeah, it's called a Wedding Cake.
Q. Why do men die before their wives? A. They want to.
One final note: A little old lady sold pretzels on a street corner for 25 cents each.
Every day a young man would leave his building at lunchtime, and as he passed the pretzel stand, he would leave her a quarter but never take a pretzel. This went on for more than 3 years. The two of them never spoke. One day, the young man passed the old lady's stand and left his quarter as usual. Without blinking an eye the pretzel lady said:
"They're 35 cents now."
The Yiddish word for that, my friends, is “Chutzpah.”
Until next time, remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you then.
Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive his Verities & Balderdash comments by direct email, send your email address to: email@example.com. Please express your views or note a few of your own V&Bs.