“Verity - the quality or state of being true or real; Balderdash – nonsense.”
Miriam-Webster Online Dictionary
Paraprosdokian, plus a few groans
Verities & Balderdash
By Bob Robinson
The ability to make and understand puns is considered to be the highest level of language development. Here are some of the first place winners in the International Pun Contest… ps, if I don’t hear you groan, I’ll know you aren’t reading it.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, "I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger."
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, "I've lost my electron." The other says, "Are you sure?" The first replies "Yes, I'm positive."
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said, "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."
A group of friars were behind on their belfry payments, so they opened up a small florist shop to raise funds. Since everyone liked to buy flowers from the men of God, a rival florist across town thought the competition was unfair. He asked the good fathers to close down, but they would not. He went back and begged the friars to close. They ignored him. So, the rival florist hired Hugh MacTaggart, the roughest and most vicious thug in town to "persuade" the friars to close. Hugh beat up the friars and trashed their store, saying he'd be back if they didn't close up shop. Terrified, they did so, thereby proving that only Hugh can prevent florist friars.
Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and, with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a super calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.
These are called paraprosdokian sentences. The first half has
one meaning and the second sentence gives the phrase a whole new
meaning. You don’t have to groan… just enjoy.
I asked God for a bike, but I know God doesn't work that way. So
I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness.
Do not argue with an idiot. He will beat you with experience.
Going to church doesn't make you a Christian any more than standing
in a garage makes you a car.
The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it's still on the list.
If I agreed with you we'd both be wrong.
War does not determine who is right - only who is left.
Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; wisdom is not putting it
in a fruit salad.
Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both
be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
Evening news is where they begin with 'Good evening', and then
proceed to tell you why it isn't.
To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many
is research.
If God is watching us, the least we can do is be entertaining.
If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple
of payments.
I didn't say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street
with a bald head and a beer gut, and still think they are sexy.
Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a
successful man is usually another woman.
A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
The voices in my head may not be real, but they have some good ideas!
Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won't expect it back.
Money can't buy happiness, but it sure makes misery easier to
live with.
My psychiatrist told me I was crazy and I said I want a second
opinion. He said okay, you're ugly too.
Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
I used to be indecisive. Now I'm not sure.
When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire
Department usually uses water.
You're never too old to learn something stupid.
Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
You are such a good friend that if we were on a sinking ship together
and there was only one life jacket... I'd miss you heaps and think
of you often.
Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
"When buying and selling are controlled by legislation, the first things bought and sold are legislators."
Remember, verities should be thought provoking; balderdash is nonsense.
See you next time.
Bob Robinson is the retired editor of The Daily Advocate, Greenville, Ohio. If you wish to receive a daily notification of his comments, opinions and reports, send your email address to: opinionsbybob@gmail.com. Feel free to express your views.
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